GREG GUTFELD: A made-up pronoun is now a participation trophy for people who can't participate in actual life

Happy Monday, everybody. So CNN did another stupid, hilarious thing. And this time the punchline is not Chris Wallace. Wow. Tough crowd today, huh? I don't know if I want to continue the show. Anyway, they introduced the world to the phrase neopronouns. Yeah. Last Saturday, CNN published a guide to neopronouns, where they offered their preferred pronouns, which includes Ze/Zir, Fae/Faer and Ae/Aer. Yeah, those are about as common as a picture of Hunter Biden wearing pants. Dennis Baron, a professor, told CNN neopronouns should be used and respected like any other pronoun. Yeah, Danny, I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're out f**** of luck. This *** is over. The only people who still take this crap seriously are interns at CNN forced to interview idiots like you. 

CNN quoted another dope saying neopronouns are a "reflection of someone's personal identity." Well, I'll give them that. If you're a loser, a nobody, or in more specific terms, a bore. Because only boring, lazy people need a neopronoun. If you're boring, it adds pizzazz, and if you're lazy, you don't have to do anything other than say, 'I'm a Ze.' How lame is this? A made-up pronoun is now a participation trophy for people who can't participate in actual life. It's a built-in excuse for people going nowhere without having to travel to Delaware.

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A guide to common neopronouns.  ((Screenshot/ Gutfeld!))

People who list their pronouns are worse than people who list 'I drive stick' under hobbies on their resumé because I can't. Wow. You guys. What's in your coffee? But they're like people who say they're spiritual but not religious. They get tattoos so people can ask them about their tattoos. They wear T-shirts of bands they don't listen to. They get degrees in subjects that aren't useful to anyone. They brag when they've read a book. Their parents are usually well-off and provided a good life for them. But yet they still hate capitalism. They're the most boring people on the planet. Even ahead of those who buy books by Brian Kilmeade. But it does beg the obvious question – What makes an interesting person? And is it that hard to be interesting? Or you should ask who interested you first as a child. Remember, it was old people, grandparents. They were magical. It was so cool to see them constantly smoking. They had something that wasn't defined for you.

Perhaps it was called wisdom mixed with whiskey, but they had tales of wars, life, love and death, their failures and their accomplishments. They could show you a grainy black-and-white photo and talk about a cousin who died at 19 but had more experiences than most people now do in a lifetime. But what about later? You're a teen. You're young and shy. You haven't discovered my books, which are on tape. What might make you interesting without falling for or following the pronoun sheep? Well, try reading in books, not threads. Listen to people, travel, exercise, learn skills like cooking or hunting. Become good at something. It's not that hard. Trust me. 

A list of six examples of neopronouns. ((Screenshot/Gutfeld!))

For example, no one has ever failed at trying to be a DJ. You just play music on a computer, and when people find out that you know how to do stuff, they're interested. I once dated a girl who killed her own dinner. I found that sexy. She introduced me to another girl who claimed she was a witch and she tasted delicious. People who have hobbies or play a sport or just do things, any things, that stuff is interesting. I don't care if it's cornhole or calligraphy, as long as it's not jazz. But people who do things are more interesting than people who identify things because they actually accomplish something. 

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I find that the pronoun peeps don't do anything but tell you who they are. It's why they can never afford to pay for a lunch while they spent their allowance on a haircut that looks like an industrial accident. But an interesting person prefers individuals over groups and finds the world more interesting than how the world perceives them. Meanwhile, a boring person expects you to find interest in them. People who list their pronouns are boring or else they wouldn't list them. They literally have nothing better to do. They see how easy it is to get attention. It's as easy as breaking a woman's weightlifting record. Geez Louise. What's wrong with these people? 

Pronouns mixed with neopronouns.  ((Screenshot/ Gutfeld!))

I would hate to sit next to someone on a plane who goes by anything other than he and she. It's why I fly private. But choosing a new pronoun means you've mistaken momentary attention from others for genuine interest in you. And you have no other skills or charms because you stopped at Ze. When people pay attention to you for that, for a moment, you become special. But it's downhill from there. Like marrying Kat. So it's over. Time to shut down the fake pronouns. If someone demands you to adhere, tell them your pronouns are f*** and off. Because. Promoting a fake attribute, the pronoun, makes gender the overriding principle in your life. So you actually stop doing anything else of note. You're not only boring now, you're boring forever. I mean, at least you can put your pronouns on your grave. It's too bad no one will bother to visit. 

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Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).