GREG GUTFELD: After decades of glorifying casual drug use, Rolling Stone is now worried about misuse of drugs

You missed us. You missed us, didn't you? I get it. Happy Wednesday everyone. So Joe Biden had a big win on Super Tuesday. He woke up. I mean, consider the alternative. But the president did lose American Samoa, and when he found out, he said: It's a shame I really like their cookies. 

Meanwhile, Donald Trump went 14-1, losing only Vermont. Vermont has a population of over at 645,000 people or as Trump calls them: Total losers. Nikki Haley has suspended her presidential campaign after a series of Super Tuesday losses. She got 46 delegates compared to Trump's 731, and she still called it a success, proving once again, women can't do math. Oh oh. Shut up!

According to a report, the Biden administration has secretly flown 320,000 illegal aliens to 43 airports. Joe claims they have a lot in common with these people since they don't speak English either. Hahaha. Charles Barkley said he would punch Black people in the face for wearing Trump mugshot T-shirts. Luckily, his victims won't have to worry about him having any rings. Yeah. 

Woke officials at the Department of Veterans Affairs moved to ban from agency buildings that iconic photo of a World War II Times Square kiss. You see that. Saying it was no longer appropriate for today's military. So they're replacing it with this. After emerging from a coma last summer, Madonna claims she spoke with God, who said: Oh my, me. Come on, Kat, that was funny.

KAT TIMPF: I like Madonna.

I know, but oh, my me is funny to me anyway. Governor DeSantis announced Florida will be cracking down on this year's spring break festivities. Now, underage coeds looking to get drunk and have sex will have to go back to college. It's true. 

Hillary Clinton is telling voters to accept the reality that Biden is old and reelect him anyway, and Bill told Hillary to accept the reality that he's going to spring break. 

Instagram was down for nearly four hours yesterday, leaving many no other choice but to ask people directly if they like how their butt looks. It's all it's good for. Facebook also suffered a widespread outage, with almost half a million users reporting they couldn't access their accounts. It's the first time anything has gone down on them.

TYRUS: You're in rare form tonight.

Yeah.

TYRUS: Wow.

It's the antibiotics. Kyrsten Sinema will not seek reelection to the United States Senate. She will, however, hire a new wardrobe consultant.

TYRUS: Whatever happened to him?

I don't know, RIP. An Oregon woman earned a Guinness World Record for her unusually large tongue, which measured over five inches around. In her acceptance speech, she said: Flap, flap flap, flap. All right, let's do a monologue.

So, with Trump cruising to victory in the primaries and Biden's slow implosion, we should once again get used to seeing the media's curiously timed stories that will bash the Don. This week's comes from Rolling Stone. If you don't remember that magazine, it sucks.

NOT JUST COCAINE: SECRET SERVICE REVEALS ANOTHER BANNED SUBSTANCE WAS FOUND IN BIDEN'S WHITE HOUSE

Their recent piece claims that the Trump White House was rife with drug use. The headline reads "Trump's White House was 'Awash in Speed' -- and Xanax," essentially saying that Trump's White House is no different than the Rolling Stone offices. But here's what's weird. What led the rag to look into this was a report released in January by the Defense Department detailing how the White House Medical Unit managed drugs during the Trump administration. How nice of the Defense Department to rat them out. Talk about proof of a deep state. That info came from the Defense Department before an election. It's almost as if the timing and release was meant to undermine one candidate. Seems like a big deal, right? 

This is the ******* Defense Department, people. There's nothing else for you to focus on. They left billions of dollars in military equipment in Afghanistan, and they're worried about some Ambien use by some flack in the West Wing. Lloyd Austin didn't show up for a week. And they're concerned that a White House staffer copped a Xanax four years ago. Don't you have better things to do? Like employing an activist to oversee nuclear energy waste disposal? This guy with stickier fingers than Jeffrey Toobin. 

I know, the piece concludes that White House docs didn't comply with federal guidance by dispensing non-emergency, controlled meds such as Ambien and Provigil, without verifying the patient's identity. Now, for those who don't know, Provigil get you out of the Ambien haze after a long flight, which is normal for anyone in a position that requires traveling like reporters and politicians and the drug mules who supply Dana Perino with her growth hormone. Yeah. And why did Rolling Stone do to fill in the missing details, call the unnamed source department. 

SECRET SERVICE CLOSES WHITE HOUSE COCAINE INVESTIGATION, SAYS IT IS ‘NOT ABLE’ TO IDENTIFY SUSPECT

So, I wonder, would those be the same unnamed sources who gave us Russian collusion, who told us the laptop from hell was fake, or the ones telling us that behind closed doors Joe Biden is sharp as ever. I'm starting to think the unnamed source is one person who's just a master of disguise. But I guess it's a lot easier to lie when nobody knows who you are. 

But what if it's true anyway? You know what it shows. It shows that even when it comes to drugs, the Trumpers beat the Bidens hands down. When you think of the current White House, you think of Hunter and coke and whatever they pump into Joe to keep them upright. Now, as anyone who's been around a user knows, cocaine is a drug that makes you babble incoherently, makes you think you're smarter than you are, more important than you are just overall better than you are. Which is why on the street it's known as Jesse.

TYRUS: No stone unturned tonight.

Yes, but while the Bidens specialize in a drug based on escaping your failures, apparently the Trump White House was taking drugs to allow them to work harder.

HUNTER BIDEN'S GUN POUCH HAD COCAINE RESIDUE ON IT, PROSECUTORS SAY

At the Biden White House, people did drugs to cope with a lifeless boss. At the Trump White House they did drugs to keep up with a maniac. The article claims Trumpers took stimulants because they needed an energy boost after a late night, or just a pick me up to handle another day at a uniquely stressful job. I get it, it's why I spike our office water cooler with Ritalin. But it also claims some Trumpers took Xanax to soothe themselves while enduring the sky high levels of stress in the highest pressure environment in America. 

So, they were using it as intended. Wow, there's a story. What a scandal. What's next? An exposé on the use of lice combs on John Bolton's mustache? The regular applications of flea powder on Amorosa? I know and yet these two writers think this is an election year scoop, writing that, "With Trump pushing to return to power... a full accounting of the misuse of powerful stimulants and sedatives isn't just a matter of historical interest. It's a preview of a very possible future." 

So now, Rolling Stone, after decades of glorifying casual drug use, is worried about the misuse of stimulants. Do they not remember who ran Rolling Stone? Jann Wenner. Hell a 2017 bio details how coke was everywhere in the office. If Wenner "heard an office door slam, his Pavlovian response was to go find out who was doing cocaine without him."

TYRUS: Damn.

What happened to you, Rolling Stone? You should change your name to kidney stone, you ossified ****. But forget Rolling Stone's past. What about the media's present? Do the two dimwits who wrote this dreck realize that they just described the drugs that fuel their entire profession? Xanax and Adderall are so entrenched in the information industry, they drug test you to make sure you're on them.

HUNTER BIDEN'S PHONE CONTAINED MULTIPLE PHOTOS OF COCAINE, CRACK COCAINE AND DRUG PARAPHERNALIA: DOJ

So what if some of Trump's staff got prescriptions? You'd need a stimulant, too if you were around Mike Pence all day. 

Fact is, the only thing higher than Hunter during the Biden White House has been the price of eggs, oh, and Trump's current poll numbers. Which is the reason why these stories are popping up. Joe is in deep trouble, so expect every possible shot to be launched at Big Orange. Lawfare, fake allegations, more sex, more drugs, more urine. It's already making me nostalgic for Larry Kudlow's hot tub. 

As Trump racks up primary wins they're going to get more and more desperate. And that's coming from me, people, not some unnamed source.

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).