GREG GUTFELD: Biden's foreign policy is falling apart like the Patriots without Brady

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Enough, enough you sexy people. All right. So as the Gaza war rages in and Iran threatens to enter the fray, President Biden jetted off to Israel. Now, we don't know whether Biden's trip helped, but if he climbed the steps to Air Force One without a face plant, let's call it a win. But first, let's do some history. The truth is the Middle East always exposes the naïveté of past Democratic presidents. Back in 79', President Jimmy Carter took American credibility into Bud Light territory when Iran seized 52 American diplomats. He looked weaker than Kat at LA Fitness.

KAT TIMPF: No, it's okay.

Yeah, it's all right.

KAT TIMPF: It's true.

It took over a year for America to respond, which we finally did by electing Ronald Reagan. And that was after an aborted rescue that crashed in the desert. Oh, those Democrats, they want to abort everything, but eight U.S. service members were killed then, and it was really bad.

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In 2000, Bill Clinton held the famous Camp David summit between the Israelis and Palestinians, where he learned that no matter how much he pleaded, Yasser Arafat wouldn't go down as easy as Monica Lewinsky. So did he. They rejected more proposals than me at that nudist colony. Barack Obama was convinced he could make a difference. He thought Iran could be brought around from a fascist theocracy to a friendly modern nation, if you could just get that pesky nuclear deal done. So we sent over John Kerry and $1.7 billion in cash. They should have sent Hillary just to make her shut up and cover her face, but the money part, they understood. Obama brought hope and more than a few bags of change, then watched helplessly as Iran built up bigger arms than his wife's. Look, the Mideast is probably the most politically screwed up place in the world. Many of the issues go back so far, Larry Kudlow was still in school. He's so old, he helped build the pyramids. In fact, the Old Testament, Quran and the Torah each have a verse where Abraham says, "Wake me up when you people get your **** together." 

But one of the basic reasons we care about this place is a single word, and that's oil. Especially for Gavin Newsom, who smears it on his hair to trap seagulls for food. The truth is, no matter how much green talk we hear from the likes of AOC, the technology to run the world on butterfly farts just doesn't exist yet. If she had her way, we'd freeze this winter as she stays warm in her Tesla. Yet thanks to a Democratic Party that has made green energy a religion, America has gone from the world's leading energy producer to a nation jonesing for another shot of that sweet Saudi soda into our veins. And no matter how much Dems try to bribe Iran into liking us, it's not going to happen. Cash, gifts, words of praise, it didn't make me return Taylor Swift's calls, and it won't work with the Mullahs. 

Which brings us to the present. Biden offered $6 billion to Iran in exchange for American hostages, then Hamas seizes more American hostages right afterward, like stairs, speed bumps and sand bags, Biden never saw it coming, but even Helen Keller could connect the dots. She's been dead a while. It's sort of like leaving $7 billion in weapons in Afghanistan, which end up being pointed at our allies. You know, if only Afghanistan had gun control, but I think they call that cause and effect. I guess they don't teach that in gender studies classes. So now we're caught up in all of this again. America's greatest foreign policy thinkers have sharpened the points on their Ivy League dunce caps and formulated a new Mideast plan, the historic Don't Doctrine.

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PRESIDENT BIDEN, OCTOBER 18: My message to any state or any other hostile actor... Don't, don't, don't.

PRESIDENT BIDEN, OCTOBER 10: Anyone thinking of taking advantage of this situation. I have one word, don't, don't.

PRESIDENT BIDEN, OCTOBER 15: Don't, don't, don't.

I guess Biden's speechwriters have him down to one word now. At least he can remember it. Worse when referring to the hospital carnage he calls Hamas the other team.

PRESIDENT BIDEN, OCTOBER 18: Based on what I've seen, it appears as though it was done by the other team. Not you.

The other team like it's pickleball. How diplomatic. I guess it's an improvement over calling ISIS the JV squad. It's always the Dems. Now it's been said that foreign policy is picking among the least bad of your choices and with zombie Joe in charge, there's more bad choices than the Taco Bell dollar menu, but time for some credit where it's due because you know who actually moved things forward in that department. That's right. The Great Satan, Donald Trump. 

And over there, you know, that's a compliment. Who was the first to actually meet with the little rocket man in North Korea? Before that, who would we send? Dennis Rodman. You know, while the left was screaming that Trump just had to be a Russian agent, guess what? We had no Russian wars. And while they were shouting that his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, had no experience in foreign policy, it was Trump and Kushner that brought in the Abraham Accords, which normalized relations between Israel and some of its Arab neighbors. Of course, normal is now a relative term like woman. The left couldn't believe it. Donald Trump, the diplomat.

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What would the UN say? Besides, lesbians can have penises. If you'd watched the show, you'd know. It was also Trump that made America the greatest energy producing nation on Earth, giving us the leverage over the Middle East to try to change things, that tilted things in our favor faster than [Jerry] Nadler getting off a seesaw. And Trump had Iran so scared they offered to take John Kerry back, but of course, the geniuses in the Biden White House had to blow it all up. 

We're back to trying to bribe Iran into behaving again. Hey, it works on Joe Biden, and we're back to buying some of the dirtiest oil on Earth from some of the dirtiest regimes on Earth, like Venezuela and also Saudi Arabia, whose leader, Prince Mohammed bin Salman, made our secretary of state sit for hours before blowing him off, all while Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas announces he won't even meet with Biden when he arrived in Israel. Fortunately, that won't keep Joe from trying to shake his hand anyway. 

This president's foreign policy is falling apart like the Patriots without Brady. Hey you think maybe Dennis Rodman is available? Because, boy, do we need a rebound right about now.

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Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).