GREG GUTFELD: Competence is redefined as mean by the most incompetent people alive

Happy Tuesday, everybody. Thank you. Thank you so much for that warm embrace. Because according to the media, I am now the meanest man on Earth. I finally pulled ahead of Neil Cavuto. This show is as rotten as Morning Joe's breath. Everything I say has been deemed insensitive, callous, insulting, and by watching this, so are you. So let's go down the list of what's mean and what isn't these days. First off, I say bomb the cartels. Those are the people who sell the drugs that kill 100,000 plus people here every year. But bombing them, how mean is that? Someone could actually get hurt. I might as well fire Kat by text instead. So just on its face, it's mean. So let the cartels live on. But then so does the drug and sex trafficking. Innocent people get murdered. There's rape, pedophilia. Entire generations go missing. So here's an idea. Hear me out. Let's build a wall. Not bad, right? 

I know. I know, I know. 

Every Democrat on TV has a wall around their private property. Why do that if it doesn't keep people out? Now, some guy once tried to do this, but he was called racist and that's mean. Plus, walls won't really stop the problem, right? They'll just dramatically reduce it. Ah, they laughed. Last night they wouldn't have laughed at that. Slow group. OK, so let's let him in and we'll deal with these people later. But that's what Fox said about Kilmeade in 1998. Still dealing with that problem. So, true, now this means that the drugs can come in and kill buttloads of Americans, but as a result, there will be way more apartments and houses available for the millions of illegals. And that's nice. Just make sure to harvest their ballots. But then what about the junkies on the drugs? 

Drug users sit outside a convenience store in Kensington, Philadelphia. Soon after this picture was taken an older woman brought food and water in a disposable cooler to the group.  (Fox News Digital )

We could get them off the street, force them into treatment, maybe use them as audience members at The View. But no. But don't you dare think of moving them from your yard. That's mean. What about their rights to camp on the street where they get sick, spread disease, overdose and die? No worries. They'll only be replaced by new ones, right? So you can still feel pretty good when you give them five bucks. Doesn't that feel great when you subsidize behavior? Of course, you'll get more of it. But hey, you're just visiting this area anyway. Meanwhile, law-abiding people had to give up years of their life during COVID shutdowns. But these folks could crap in the middle of Park Avenue as long as it wasn't on a BLM street mural. 

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Remember how mean it was to question where COVID came from? Yeah, don't say China. A country that ties ten-year-olds to a workbench 15 hours a day without a piss break so you can have a Fitbit to count your steps of freedom. Better to blame some nameless peasant who got a bad bowl of hot and sour bat soup so we can pull off an impeachment hearing against the meanest man on earth, outside of me, Donald Trump. Boy, was he mean, right? Demanding that we stop being victims. Gross. And don't you dare demand punishment for the smash and grabbers who cause stores to close in minority neighborhoods for good. Come on. They need to feed their kids. Have you ever tasted a Louis Vuitton bag? It melts in your mouth. 

Roll it. 

REP. ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ: And so they go out and they need to feed their child and they don't have money. So you maybe have to... They're put in a position where they feel like they either need to shoplift some bread or go hungry that night. 

She's got a real head on her shoulders. Too bad it's filled with kitty litter and cat s*** but you know, unfair. See, I'm mean, I'm very mean. But at least for her, tending bar was an honest living and I'll bet she wouldn't make excuses for somebody if they busted in and robbed her place. Meanwhile, we're paying for a war a thousand miles away. But don't bring that up, because that's mean, too. In the old days, you could, right? The left especially were the loudest voices. But not anymore. They make Genghis Khan look like a pacifist. Look, it's just nicer to let hundreds of thousands of Ukrainians die in a proxy war that they can't win. 

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And what about your kid? He's only six, but he's confused. Last year, he wanted to be a firefighter, but there were no activists interested in that. But now it's all about gender. And that's easy. It would be mean not to let him explore the alternatives like gender affirmation surgery. Affirmation. Doesn't that sound nice? Affirmation rolls right off the tongue unlike mutilation. That's just mean. So trust the activist slash teacher because they've made such a success of their lives. Just ask all of their cats. I kid. Trusting a child to an activist is like trusting Sam Brinton to guard your luggage or Jesse Waters to guard your Rogaine or Obama to watch your dog. You don't remember? You know he ate a dog. The audience doesn't remember that.

Sam Brinton speaks onstage during The Trevor Project TrevorLIVE NYC at Cipriani Wall Street on June 11, 2018 in New York City. (Craig Barritt/Getty Images for The Trevor Project)

What's the point of me being mean if you don't do your homework? So, yeah, fascism doesn't come in like a hammer. It masquerades as a fluffy therapy hamster with a non-binary pronoun – they're nice. And competence? That's redefined as mean by the most incompetent people alive.

 They couldn't spell dog if you spotted them, The D, the O and the G. America is now living under a no-parent household, no curfew, no control, no idea of who is coming in or going out of the house at night. And its own salvation is ignored by those in power. Because why would you save something so awful like the United States? That would be mean.

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Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).