GREG GUTFELD: Don't expect a 'fair fight' in Trump-Biden debates, it's 'not part of the Democrat playbook'

Unlike Joe, it appears the debates are alive. Yes, Biden and Trump are actually planning to stand on the same stage again and debate each other. 

Joe told us about it in a 13-second video that had more cuts than the wrists of a depressed goth. 

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Donald Trump lost two debates to me in 2020... Since then, he hasn't shown up for a debate... Now he's acting like he wants to debate me again... Well, make my day, pal... I'll even do it twice. So let's pick the dates, Donald — I hear you're free on Wednesdays.

JEN PSAKI THINKS BIDEN-TRUMP DEBATE COULD COLLAPSE: 'I'M STILL A SKEPTIC'

"Make my day"? The only thing that makes Joe's day is taking a p*** in under 20 minutes. Hilariously, the Biden campaign is claiming he didn't mince words.

MICHAEL TYLER/BIDEN-HARRIS CAMPAIGN: Listen, the president himself did not mince words, right? He said that he beat Donald Trump twice in 2020. Donald Trump hasn't debated since. The president is happy to debate. He's happy to do it twice.

"Didn't mince words"? They were literally minced in that video. Words were more chopped than Dr. Jill's sliced, steamed bananas she feeds him every morning. But hey, who needs the ability to form sentences at a debate, right? Especially without the teleprompter telling him when to pause, repeat the word, and not s*** his pants. 

Say what you want about Trump, but he has no problem talking. He's the only guy Stormy Daniels said made her ears sore. But with Biden, they need to slice and dice. In fact, we got our hands on the original version of that video…

Something's in the water at Fox. Anyway, for those of us without dementia, Joe's sudden demand for debate is a big surprise since earlier, the Biden campaign completely dismissed the idea. 

"I'm not going to debate a criminal," he croaked. The last time I saw a 180 like that, Brian Stelter forgot half his order at the Burger King drive-thru.

CNN'S JAKE TAPPER, WHO CALLED TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY A 'NIGHTMARE,' TAPPED TO MODERATE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

So why the change of heart and not the monthly one when they replace all of Joe's organs? Our friend Vivek thinks it's a set-up: "Keep an eye on the details of how all this comes together. You don't often see a sudden 180 like this unless there's more to the story." 

Well, if that sounds paranoid, wait 'til I tell you how JFK killed Lee Harvey Oswald. Biden is demanding, also, that there be no audience — no audience, which, granted, is something Joe is used to. 

Usually when he's in a room with more than three people, it's on a gurney as nurses scream, "Don't walk into the light!" 

But I guess the audience is banned because there's nothing scarier than a presidential candidate who can relate to the people. Still, our old pal Chris Wallace thinks it's a great idea because you people are such a pain in the neck.

CHRIS WALLACE/CNN: I always felt that the audience was a pain in the neck. You know, some people are saying, "Well, that's going to hurt Trump because he plays to a crowd... " I think it's overstated — the advantage that it gives either one of them. I don't think either of them are really paying much attention to it, and I think it removes an unnecessary distraction.

TRUMP ACCEPTS BIDEN OFFER TO DEBATE HIM IN JUNE AND SEPTEMBER

OK, so it's the audience that risks distraction — something Chris never had to worry about at CNN+. His audience consisted of the cameraman in the studio and the ghost of his disappointed father. I'm sorry. Of course, if Trump had made this demand, he would have been accused of suppressing the will of the people, democracy and free speech. 

Another Biden demand, of course: no RFK, Jr. I get it, imagine a guy who sounds like Katharine Hepburn sounding more coherent than you ever could. And the candidate's mics must be muted after allotted time. This way, Joe can fart away at will. Of course, they want to minimize Joe's damage. I'm surprised they didn't add, "And no candidates, either."

And yet, the media is cool with this, especially since Joe got to pick his teammates, otherwise known as hosts: Jake Tapper and Dana Bash. Tapper and Bash — sounds like a terrible British breakfast, or "Cagney & Lacey" with less testosterone. So those are the two unbiased journalists.

JAKE TAPPER—NOV. 7, 2020: The Trump presidency is coming to an end... For tens of millions of our fellow Americans, their long, national nightmare is over.

DANA BASH—JANUARY 2024: Insults, invective and outright lies: That's what we heard from Donald Trump in Iowa this weekend.

TAPPER—DEC. 19, 2023: The dehumanizing rhetoric of Adolf Hitler is once again alive and well... This time given life by former president and current Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump.

BASH—NOV. 5, 2020: As he was talking, I was trying to reach out to some senior Republicans to ask when the intervention is going to happen... This isn't just dangerous — it's nonsensical.

TAPPER—JAN. 15, 2024: Under my voice, you hear him repeating his anti-immigrant rhetoric.

HERE ARE ALL THE RESTRICTIONS BIDEN'S TEAM DEMANDED IN THEIR TRUMP DEBATE OFFER

Wow. Talk about fair. They're going to be as objective as Chris Christie at a lard tasting. Meanwhile, some of the media seem to have already known of Biden's eagerness to debate almost immediately after Biden's video dropped. 

Politico details their thinking on the debate: "Senior advisers felt that they could not skip them, as the re-election campaign has been positioning itself as the one pushing for democracy and transparency... Moreover, it would fuel talk that Biden wasn't up for the rigors of the job itself." 

So how did Politico know ahead of time? I guess Vivek was right. The fix is in, 'cause Biden is losing. The court cases aren't working. Every time Trump shows up in court, his approval ratings go up. Love him or hate him, he's got that thing that attracts viewers. 

Some people have it and some people don't. 

But perhaps there's other tricks in the works. Maybe a big new hoax that will appear that lets Joe back out on the basis of "we can't debate this man." A conviction, perhaps, that might give him the excuse that "we can't debate a felon."

So the stage isn't set for a debate — it's set for something else. If this were a fair fight, Biden would be quaking in his Pampers. Look, they're already interfering with elections right in front of us with these court cases. Imagine what they're doing behind our backs without the courtesy of a reach-around. You're a pervert!

So don't hold your breath expecting a fair fight. That's not part of the Democrat playbook. That stage could have a trap door installed for Trump and something worse installed for you and me.

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).