GREG GUTFELD: Florida's the Sunshine State, not the Pitch-Black Dark State

Over the weekend, NBC News, which stands for Nothing But Crap, published a story titled, "They came for Florida's sun and sand. They got soaring costs and a culture war." And it's a masterpiece of cherry-picking — or orange-picking, since it is Florida — which means it's time for:

GUTFELD! SONG: Reporters are coming around, and Dem narratives is what they demand. So they'll twist on the facts, 'cause in the media that's the plan. To only tell half of the story with data they pick and they choose. A desperate attempt to make dollars and cents by lying to viewers like you on the news.

Mentally ill. As we all know, since the pandemic, people are flocking to Florida like Lizzo to a food truck. But did you know that not everybody is glad they did, says NBC. 

"While hundreds of thousands of new residents have flocked to the state on the promise of beautiful weather, no income tax and lower costs, nearly 500,000 left in 2022... contributing to their move was a perfect storm of soaring insurance, a hostile political environment, worsening traffic and extreme weather." They got all that from interviewing 12 people. Yeah, 12 people who left the state in the past two years.

But sadly, the writer also had to admit that Florida is the second-fastest-growing state as of July 2023, meaning that many more moved in than actually moved out. So as Stephen Green at PJ Media says about this dopey piece, "It's like claiming that a restaurant is losing customers by only counting the people who have paid their checks and walked out the door." 

Now, of course, that would kill any story about a so-called exodus, but it didn't. Instead, NBC found a few people to tell their sob stories. One woman who moved to Florida from Connecticut in 2021 complained she didn't know it would be "100 degrees at night." 

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First of all, when is 100 degrees not the perfect sleeping temperature for women? "Oh, I'm so cold." That should be on the epitaph, on the tombstone of every woman who ever lived. But that's right. She didn't know it'd be so hot in Florida. 

You know, you think the motto on their license plates would have tipped her off? It's the Sunshine State, not the Pitch-Black Dark State, you dips***. It's why part of the state is called the Panhandle, and where anybody living there over the age of 30 has more facial wrinkles than a shar pei's balls dipped in ice water. 

Plus, did you know that there's a lot of traffic? Who knew that other than everybody? I got news for you, lady. When the age of the average driver is 84 on any road in America, there's going to be congestion. See, when she moved to Florida, she didn't realize it would be Florida. 

She's like that easily offended comedy club audience member who didn't read up on the headliner, and is mad that the comedian's sense of humor doesn't mirror her own, so she walks out. 

NBC News also cites consumer prices and insurance rates. Imagine that! A place that's becoming more popular is also becoming more expensive. Meanwhile, in California, you can Airbnb the Oakland Coliseum for $85 bucks a night. And did you know that if you live in Florida, your home might be damaged by a hurricane? Why didn't someone tell these people Florida has hurricanes? 

If only Florida's sports teams gave us a hint, right? Oh, yeah. The Miami Hurricanes field 16 teams. Baseball, basketball, football, even women's soccer — and that's not even real. One guy said he felt unsafe because everyone walks around with guns there. 

Oh, dear God, Florida likes guns. Well, you would, too, if you were sandwiched between Haiti and Georgia. Hasn't this dude ever seen an episode of "Cops"? You think it's a coincidence every other episode was shot in Broward County? I just hear that name and I start flushing drugs down the toilet. 

Welcome to Florida sign (Jim Steinfeldt/Michael Ochs Archives/Getty Images)

NBC News also reports Floridians are fleeing the state over its "increasingly conservative policies," including a "crackdown on undocumented immigrants, a ban on transgender care for minors, state interventions in how race, slavery and sexuality are taught in schools… " 

In other words, more laws are enforced, children aren't sterilized for playing with the wrong toys, and people don't assume you're racist for being White. Meaning the only people fleeing are liberal dips**** who didn't belong there in the first place. Fleeing the state is just another way of expressing all that tolerance they're known for, and so they should go. 

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So NBC found a dozen people, literally 12, who moved to Florida with unrealistic expectations and now regret it. Hell, I could find 12 people who say Seth Meyers is funny — you know, if I asked his writers. But hey, Florida is doing great thanks to Gov. DeSantis, so NBC News feels duty-bound to treat it like a San Francisco sidewalk and take a dump on it. 

Now, speaking of San Fran, a new report from WalletHub ranks it as the healthiest city in the country.

Homeless people are seen on streets of the Tenderloin district in San Francisco. California Gov. Gavin Newsom has directed the National Guard and California National Guard to assist local authorities to combat the fentanyl crisis.  (Photo by Tayfun Coskun/Anadolu Agency via Getty Images)

True, dodging street turds is great cardio, and open-air drug use must be great for the lungs. Nice work, WalletHub — managing to overlook minor things like crime, homelessness and the overdose epidemic. What the hell is WalletHub? Well, it's a finance company. 

Where is it headquartered? Florida.

Fact is, no lib who wants to remain in good standing can say anything bad about a Democrat-caused nightmare or anything good about Republican success, but even Democrats don't really believe this. Just ask AOC and Gretchen Whitmer when they're vacationing in Florida. 

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).