GREG GUTFELD: Only one party is hiding its candidate like eggs on Easter

So tomorrow, we have the first and likely only presidential debate before the November election. We really won't count the first one. The only debate was who got to shoot Joe behind the barn. But as Trump pulls back ahead in the polls, the stakes for Kamala in this debate are as high as Hunter in a titty bar champagne room. Kamala Harris must convince the voting public that she's not Kamala Harris, that she's not the dope for the last four years who was yakking it up like a hyena on ecstasy. So we're going to get Kamala doing an impression of herself as a moderate Democrat or even a full-on Republican as she flip-flops on every position like an Australian breakdancer. And as Kamala transforms herself into something closer to reality, what will America see tomorrow?

A bootleg version that's faker than a Brian Kilmeade fan letter? Don't believe me? Let's ask Bernie Sanders, a man who owns more houses than your friend who cheats at Monopoly, and whose hair made him look like he was just tased by cops. Here he is on Meet the Press.

NBC HOST: You have described Vice President Kamala Harris as a progressive. She has previously supported Medicare for all. Now she does not. She has previously supported a ban on fracking. Now she does not. Do you think that she is abandoning her progressive ideals?

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BERNIE SANDERS: No, I don't think she's abandoning her ideals. I think she's trying to be pragmatic and doing what she thinks is right in order to win the election.

If a bowl of soup could talk, it would sound like that. But Bernie just gave Kamala up like he was facing 10 to 20 (years) for carjacking a rascal scooter. Because if Kamala is being pragmatic by flipping all the positions, then by definition she was anything but pragmatic before. She was the opposite – as reckless as Chris Christie at the Cheesecake Factory. Dems have known it all along. Her head was full of crap, paired with a president whose pants were full of crap, too. 

So while Bernie asserts she's just doing it all to win the election, admitting it's all a front, he also admits that Trump's positions are far more pragmatic and therefore way better for America, and that were Kamala to win, she'll return to her radical roots ASAP, only to become pragmatic again four years later when she runs for reelection in what's left of America. This is why the flip-flop argument is pointless. If only she would flip-flop. No, she flip-flop flips, but we have no proof she will remain true to these new positions. It's a grift, an arrogant insult to her own supporters. 

Now, this is the second time the bail has dropped. You remember Joe Biden, right? The guy at the beach. He might be the first U.S. president in history who meets his end by being impaled by a wind blown umbrella. But he still managed to unload a secret that Dems and the media happily hid for so long that the Inflation Reduction Act was anything but.

President Joe Biden listens in the South Court Auditorium on the White House complex in Washington, Tuesday, Sept. 3, 2024, as he talks with a virtual participant at the kickoff of the Investing in America event.  (AP Photo/Susan Walsh)

JOE BIDEN: I'm proud to announce that my investments, that through my investments, the most significant climate change law ever. And by the way, it is a $369 billion dollar bill. It's called, we should have named it what it was, but anyway.

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It's kind of scary that the leader of the free world is one step above driftwood. But imagine how many people worried over the prices of food and gas, and they were led to believe the White House was solving that with this bill. And it was just a Trojan horse meant to hide billions and billions and billions in a climate swindle. How can you vote for these lying scumbags again? 

Say what you will about Trump, America knows exactly who he is – a guy who's literally willing to die for his country. But with Kamala, America's getting a Tinder date and her whole party's catfishing us, sending us pictures of Megan Fox when we're really getting Redd Foxx. Yeah, we see her on our phone screens, but we won't actually know her until after November 5th, when it's too late. 

And so Kamala's honeymoon has lasted as long as Ben and J-Lo. But this time, it's the media that's the giant a--. The latest New York Times Siena poll has Trump pulling ahead of Harris in the popular vote. Worse, she's falling behind among men in battleground states like Nevada and PA. Of course, Dems are freaking out and pointing to misogyny as the reason why. But if Nevada hates women, then explain the Bunny Ranch. 

So as you watch the debate, remember that no matter who says what, there's only one party hiding candidates like eggs on Easter. If you're only strategy to win is to hide your true character, what's that say about you? Your party, the media, that's in on the ruse? It says you're a Democrat. Because only in today's Democratic Party is integrity considered a liability.

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).