GREG GUTFELD: People at Cinnabon want a sugar fix, not a lecture

Happy Monday, everybody. Oh, you look fantastic. So tonight, I want to talk about a fascinating story right out of Los Angeles, a place where your yard is someone else's campground. 911 calls are answered slower than airline customer service. And the governor looks like a die-hard villain.

PHOTO OF CALIFORNIA GOV. GAVIN NEWSOM 

But now there's a huge strike going on that could affect a business that's near and dear to all of us. Which means... 

VIDEO: There's a civil war at Cinnabon. And it's delicious. 

Well, wait. What did you think I was talking about? The writers' strike? I mean, do you people even care? Missing Hollywood writers is right up there with missing Geraldo, Don Lemon and jock itch. What do I care? So on Friday, workers in a Cinnabon in L.A. declared a strike and filed a civil rights complaint against their employer. 

The reason? The owner installed a policy banning political statements in the store, including Pride Flags. Pride flags. Oh, it didn't happen again. But it's true an exec who oversees a bunch of Cinnabons sent out a message declaring that "We do not discriminate or celebrate any particular race, ethnic group, gender-specific group, religious group. If any store is displaying a Pride flag, it's to be taken down immediately." And one of the workers asked if a rainbow pin would be OK. He said, "Nonspecific pins are OK but sports teams, groups, school pins are not." In other words, let's stick to doing what Cinnabon does best, making all of us grotesquely fat. Now, personally, I have no problem with a store that wants to fly rainbow flags. You can fly a flag for the Bolivian National Pickleball Team for all I care. That sport combines two of my favorite things--- pickles and balls. But just get my order right. That's all I ask. I mean, why is it so hard to pour the McFlurry directly down my pants? 

Workers at a Cinnabon store in Los Angeles filed a civil rights complaint against their employer.  ((Screengrab/ Gutfeld!))

So why is this a story? It's entirely reasonable to demand employees not turn your bakery into a political rally. And the owner employs openly gay workers at the store. So clearly he's not discriminating. But that's not the way the workers took it. Instead, they called it homophobic. One said the policy made it feel like she had to hide herself, adding, "I started to not feel comfortable in my own skin. It really lowered my self-esteem and I was starting not to like myself when I looked in the mirror." So wait, is that from the ban on flags? Because it sounds like she just ate a Cinnabon. I mean, that's exactly how I feel when I eat a Cinnabon. I hate myself. I can see the pastry in the mirror making its way down to a love handle. And herein lies a great philosophical truth brought to you by Cinnabon. As a human being, you are to people the present you and tomorrow's you. And how tomorrow's Greg feels about himself depends on what present-day Greg eats. 

HOW TO MAKE A CINNABON CLASSIC CINNAMON ROLL AT HOME

So if present Greg ate a Cinnabon right now, he'd feel pretty good but tomorrow's Greg will hate his guts. So the secret to life is getting your present self to look after tomorrow's self, first. And that's the only identity you should care about. Not this other bull****. Oh, stop it. I don't like smatterings of applause. I only like full applause. That's so much better! Now, where did Americans get the idea that your office space is supposed to be some form of self-actualization? You're there to do a job, not to have your virtues validated. As for the owner who was just doing the right thing, he faces a civil rights complaint. Civil rights? Since when did where you work become your right to wear whatever you want? When Fox clarified there must wear pants to the office policy, I didn't like it, but I respected it. And they're striking for their right to wear a button. 

Cinnabon workers on strike in Los Angeles. ((Screengrab/ Gutfeld!))

I mean, do you think when unions were invented, it was for that? Do you think kids making shoes for Nike somewhere in a warehouse in China are like, "Hey, you go, girl." Now, the employee also worried that she could be attacked for who she loves, adding "It's a dangerous world out there. We just want to feel safe." In what world could be more dangerous than working at a Cinnabon? Doctors call that job the Widowmaker. But the upside is, if there's ever a robbery, the frosting could be used to seal gunshot wounds. Now, I kept being worried about safety in California, but to equate not wearing a pin as life-threatening shows you how much the left has perverted the idea of safety. Everyone wants to feel safe is always said before they cancel the speech. I hate to tell you, you d-bags no one is that interested in you enough to do you harm. 

Why do you think fake hate crimes exist? People living bored and very safe lives need to fantasize that they're not. Look, most people don't care who made their Cinnabon and they don't want to be scolded as bigots. They want a sugar fix, not a lecture. Nobody walked into your restaurant to learn how different and fascinating you are. They don't care who you slept with last night or if you get hit by a Mack truck tomorrow. You're simply not that interesting. So schedule your 24-hour celebration of yourself for later. The fact is, maybe one day you'll make something of yourself, but wearing a button while you do it won't help. 

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Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).