GREG GUTFELD: The deliberate hoax machine is doing what it does best

Happy Monday. What a glorious Monday. More like fun day. So, President Biden is wearing new sneakers that are designed to prevent him from falling. Here's the prototype. And this is exciting. They're also working on a shoe that will keep Kamala from talking. Meanwhile, the president is bracing for a huge national security threat as gangs flee a violent torn Haiti. Joe's already gathered a force to repel them. Just days ago, the president was seen confused and feeble as staffers ushered him inside as it began to rain during an event, saying it's hard enough to keep his pants dry when he's indoors. The country of Niger has announced an end to their military relationship with the United States. 

Don't expect Biden to comment on the matter. His staff is terrified he'll mispronounce the name. Two-thirds of U.S. adults would rather skip the movie theaters and watch new flicks at home on streaming. That way, women can look at their phones throughout the movie and then force you to rewind it 13 times to find out what happened. You all do that. On Friday, Vice President Kamala Harris and rapper Fat Joe met to discuss easing marijuana penalties. Next up, she'll be discussing global warming with Vanilla Ice. According to a new study, woke people are more unhappy, anxious and depressed. Or it could be the reverse: unhappy, anxious and depressed people are more woke. Either way, they're ugly. Pet rocks, which were a fad in the 1970s, are making a comeback in South Korea. Like the classic toy, the rocks will be packaged in cardboard boxes but be called "The Biden." The CEO of Hertz has resigned following the company's bet on electric vehicles went bust. So, they're bringing in a new boss to slash prices.

PICTURE OF OJ SIMPSON

Old enough to remember that. A second man has been charged with the 2005 theft of a pair of ruby slippers Judy Garland wore in "The Wizard of Oz." And I'm thinking, come on, there has to be an easier way to tell your family you're gay. Reports allege that the tiny Arab state of Qatar apparently considered expelling Hamas leadership. No word yet whether Harvard will do the same thing. Sixty percent of likely voters oppose Biden's secretive flights that have transported 300,000 illegal immigrants across the nation. Some oppose it because it's cruel and unusual to make illegal immigrants fly United. A woman who identifies as a dog made headlines after appearing on an Australian radio show. That's nothing. In America, we have five dogs that identify as women on a TV show.

PICTURE OF THE LADIES ON THE VIEW

Terrible. How dare you applaud!

All right, to the monologue. Bad news, everyone. Jesse Watters is dead ...set against appearing on this show until his book is out. Which means... You've been hoaxed! Yes, it's time for "You've been hoaxed," where the reporting is as legit as the padding in Dylan Mulvaney's bra. It's the media's playbook written by their coaches on the left. First, they lie, then they attack you for saying it's a lie. Then they say it may be false, but it still fits a pattern of other lies they believe to be true. Which is how we got this weekend's bloodbath of a bloodbath. The media claimed Trump predicts a "bloodbath" if he loses. Of course, leaving out that Trump was referring to the automotive industry if Biden's policies continue. True, the media hit the context like a microphone I hide in a construction worker's porta-potty.

I told you that was a bad joke. Here's what Trump actually said.

DONALD TRUMP: Let me tell you something, to China, if you're listening, President Xi, and you and I are friends, but he understands the way I deal. Those big monster car manufacturing plants that you're building in Mexico right now, and you think you're going to get that, you're going to not hire Americans and you're going to sell the cars to us. Now, we're going to put a 100% tariff on every single car that comes across the line, and you're not going to be able to sell those guys if I get elected. Now, if I don't get elected, it's going to be a bloodbath for the whole... That's going to be the least of it. It's going to be a bloodbath for the country. That'll be the least of it.

CONSERVATIVES FUME THAT TRUMP'S ‘BLOODBATH’ COMMENT IS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT: ‘DECEPTIVE’ HEADLINES

"The least of it." So there you go. Clearly, Trump's "bloodbath" referred to the impact of Chinese and Mexican imports on our auto industry. Trump's not suggesting anyone will bathe in blood. Even Pelosi, who actually bathes in blood to keep her figure. But Trump's actual words make this New York Times headline about as accurate as Stevie Wonder playing cornhole. "Bloodbath," really? Once again, it's the media whores who pretend to misunderstand metaphors. Truth is, of course, it's just a deliberate hoax machine doing what it does best; taking something out of context, creating a story around it, and trusting their media pals to amplify it. And a whole host of other media hacks did while assuming you're too dumb to notice. Here's Nancy Pelosi at ground zero for hoaxes, CNN. 

NANCY PELOSI: We just have to win this election because he's even predicting a bloodbath. What does that mean? He's going to exact a bloodbath? There's something wrong here. How respectful I am of the American people and their goodness but how much more do they have to see from him to understand that this isn't what our country is about?

That was scary. Thought I was watching the latest version of Faces of Death. Talk about hard-hitting questions. You rarely see that many softballs tossed outside of a lesbian barbecue. Hey, Dana, bat your eyes or something next time so we know that you're alive. But like most Trump hoaxes, this one stood up to scrutiny as well as Jesse's hair in a wind tunnel. He looks pretty good bald. So why is that? Well, we've changed. We've learned that the media cannot be trusted. We know to check their work since they won't do it themselves. It wasn't always this way. Remember the "fine people" hoax? Everyone fell for it, including Fox. But thanks to some of us and others outside this network who doggedly exposed that hoax and many others, Americans are now smarter and savvier about the hoax makers. 

PELOSI SUGGESTS TRUMP MEANT HE WILL ‘EXACT A BLOODBATH’ IF HE DOESN'T WIN AFTER RALLY STATEMENTS

We suspect all stories like this and question them in search for context. This didn't used to happen. Now it does. And props to Elon Musk's X. Under the old regime, this would have been labeled fact before we even got out of bed. But now, with the full context out there, the hoaxers had to change track. It doesn't matter that it's out of context, we're told, Trump is capable of anything. Right. Which is Democrat for crap, let's cover our smelly a**es. No, you jerks, you were caught again. These people are like smash and grabbers who forget the getaway car and commit the crime, but are left holding the case of men and speed sticks. So now you see the media shift from it not being true to, but it's true in the context of the other hoaxes. True, the hoax is based on other hoaxes. For you to believe that Trump meant a literal bloodbath, you needed to believe in the fine people hoax, the Jussie Smollett hoax, the drinking bleach hoax, and so on. It's like saying you should believe in the Easter Bunny because there's the Tooth Fairy. But while we watch the hoax implode on impact, Dems are still protected in a hoax bubble. They're as immune to the truth as Hunter is to penicillin. But maybe it's Trump's own fault. I mean, he's so over the top. The Democrat media would never use a term like "bloodbath," would they?

MONTAGE OF THE MEDIA SAYING THE WORD "BLOODBATH": Politico.com reports tonight on the 'bloodbath' at the RNC. Joe Biden was just talking the other day about, you know, his concerns about a negative 'bloodbath.' And the headline refers to it as an impending 'bloodbath.' Elections may not be the 'bloodbath' for Democrats. This is probably going to be a 'bloodbath.' It would be a 'bloodbath.' 'Bloodbath' at the ballot box.

I think shrinks call that projection, which may be why you feel like projectile vomiting right now. So how do they think they can still get away with this? Are they that stupid, delusional, or just plain lazy? Please don't make us choose. The reason they're sweating harder than Judge Jeanine going through an airport metal detector is they know we're on to them. We're not falling for it anymore. The media's goal is not to provide information, it's to persuade and use whatever means necessary to get you to fall in line. So maybe the Dems' obsession with the single word "bloodbath" is legitimate because perhaps the polls are telling them there's one on the way.

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).