GREG GUTFELD: The media act like this was the worst thing to happen in a theater since Lincoln's assassination

Happy Monday, everybody, from scenic New York. Now's the time of year where leaves start to fall on the homeless people. And along with the smells of skunk, weed and rotting drug addicts, the sidewalks have added seasonably appropriate pumpkin spice urine. Autumn is in the air. In a few weeks, electric car fires will keep people warm. But as a new election approaches, that must mean it's hunting season.

'GUTFELD!' VIDEO

Pretty good, Gene. But, you know, we're not talking about hunting for deer or expired health and beauty products at Dollar General. No, it's political dissident season. You know, those awful people who hold views that make so-called tolerant media elites shriek like you told them their kid's going to a trade school. A gentle chuckle from the audience. It's now any non-liberal in the public eye. The season opened with a direct shot at two women: Lauren Boebert and Kristi Noem, two major Republican gilfs. What's that? I'm glad you asked.

VIDEO: Gilfs! Grannies I'd love to friend

What did you think it stood for? You people are dirtier than Hunter Biden's bedsheets. Oh, yeah. Disgusting. Now, these two have got to be the hottest grannies since that minx Estelle Getty. Man, was she wild? I'll never forget that weekend in Reno. Bingo, slot machines, intercourse. Sorry. But think about the contrast between Republican grannies and liberal ones. On the right, you got Noem and Boebert who are hot as balls and more fun than Joy Behar in blackface juggling donuts on a unicycle. Over on the left, however, the grannies tend to look more like this. 

Rachel Levine has been promoting transgender sex changes for minors.  (Getty)

I don't know about you, but I hate it when my grandmother pees standing up. Anyway, in Denver last week, Gilf number one Boebert, a sitting US congresswoman, showed those sitting skills by sitting in the audience of a performance of Beetlejuice. And no, it wasn't about the life and times of Lori Lightfoot. But like Beetlejuice, if you say Bobert's name three times, you'll summon some cleavage. Apparently, she vaped and talked too much throughout the performance. Too much for the management's liking. Wait, you're not supposed to vape and talk in a theater? Hmm. Tell that to the audience at a Tyler Perry movie. 

LAUREN BOEBERT SPEAKS OUT ON NOT SUPPORTING KEVIN MCCARTHY FOR HOUSE SPEAKER

A RACIST WOULD SAY! 

Boebert and her date also got a little touchy-feely and were then asked to leave. And suddenly we had a new Zapruder film, especially when he moved his hands back and to the left. See, I knew they wouldn't get that producer. I told you they weren't going to get it. Last time I ever listen to these people. Anyway, the media act as if it was the worst thing to happen in a theater since the Lincoln assassination. Because she showed you you don't need to visit the concession stand to grab some whoppers. Now, to me Boebert looks like a lot of fun. Even if she should stick to musicals like Beauty in the Breast or The Loin King or Fiddler on My Boob. But "View" alumni Meghan McCain tweeted that Boebert is "trash," adding what all the liberals were saying that children might have been nearby and they would have been scarred for life. After all, no one attends musical theater and expects to see a man who's attracted to women. Yeah, but that possibility is true of anywhere you might hook up, right? Not all of us are like Hunter and get Daddy to pay for rooms at the Chateau Marmont. 

Boebert has since apologized. So, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem was next on the hit list. Apparently, the notion that Noem and former Trump something or other Corey Lewandowski are dating is a matter of international significance. After all, South Dakota is a state known for drilling. Now, even I admit this is an amazing story. It is. Because if true, how Corey Lewandowski managed this one is something an MIT research team should look into on behalf of all men who appear to resemble a mere cat with a crew cut. It's true. No offense, but it's weird considering Obama's letters admitting that he fantasized about men were all but ignored by the press. Or how about how the liberal media treats Hunter? 

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Here's the Cliff Notes version. It's just wrong to go after Hunter. His daddy loves him so much and he's in recovery, right? And he only hired those hookers to give Joe's Corvette a wax job. But these people, they're the pervs. If they were in Epstein's client list, then we'd have it. It is rich coming from a party that wants your son to be prom queen and your daughter king. I'm sorry. You got to admit, Boebert looks way better in a party dress than this guy. 

Sam Brinton speaks onstage during The Trevor Project TrevorLIVE NYC at Cipriani Wall Street on June 11, 2018 in New York City. (Craig Barritt/Getty Images for The Trevor Project)

The point? All those on the right who communicate well, who might have some influence, are suddenly being targeted. Joe Rogan, Russian agent. Tulsi Gabbard, Tucker Carlson. Hell, even RFK, Jr. just for being a moderate. And the biggest game of all is the great orange buffalo. Trump himself. The left brought in its big game hunters using seasoned prosecutors to try to bag him. I do wonder about jail time. I bet he doesn't even think about it.

DONALD TRUMP: I don't even think about it. I'm built a little differently, I guess, because I have had people come up to me and say, 'How do you do it, sir? How do you do it?' I don't even think about it.

Don't even think about it. What a strategy. After all, being unable to think has worked wonders for Democrats. Now, for long-time viewers of this show, you may realize that everyone being hunted by the media have one thing in common. Boebert, Noem, Trump, they were all guests on Gutfeld. Which makes me wonder, is that why some people won't come on the show? Hell, even Carrot Top turns us down constantly. Carrot Top. So have Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Eastwood, too. For real! Even a tough guy like John Wayne won't do our show. The least he could do is return our calls. But all of this is worth asking one thing. Will this strategy of targeting actually work? Well, who knows? But you can bet if my ratings get any higher, they'll say I killed Mother Teresa.

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Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).