How 'It Ends with Us,' can change the lack of awareness around childhood domestic violence

I once asked my mom the same question as the main character in the novel-turned-film, "It Ends with Us," asks her mother, "Why didn’t you leave?"

I asked her why she didn’t leave Kevin, her boyfriend, who would often hurt her with his hands and his words.

I also asked another question, hundreds of times throughout my childhood, but this one was just for me, "How could I get him to stop hurting her?"

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My mom’s answer to me was, "that was the best I thought I could do, and I did not want to be alone."  My answer to myself was, "keep trying everything you can, because it's your job to stop it."

Years later, I came to realize that I was not asking the right questions. The right question to ask was, "What do you call it when you grow up witnessing domestic violence?" 

"When you grow up witnessing domestic violence." Just like the main character in "It Ends With Us" did. Just like I did. Just like my mom did. And yes, even like Kevin did. 

Because if we knew that when you grow up experiencing domestic violence, you experience childhood domestic violence, (CDV) that would have given us something to call it.

Lively shared Reynolds used to send her flowers every week. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

After all, we know what to call other "adverse childhood experiences" like physical child abuse, when a child is hit for example, or divorce or emotional abuse or even the incarceration of a parent. We know what to call it. those.  But childhood domestic violence (CDV) has an exceptionally low awareness, even among those who experience it. Many mistakenly believe that because they just "witnessed" the violence growing up, nothing really happened to them. That’s wrong. The truth is, CDV because in reality, it has a profound impact on a life.

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If we knew what to call it, we would have had a diagnosis. It was not until 1980 that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was recognized as a distinct diagnosis. And this diagnosis has had a profound impact on the lives of those affected, providing a pathway to validation, treatment, and support.  As Tony Robbins, who contributed the foreword to a book I wrote about childhood domestic violence, once told me, "What’s the first thing you do when you get a dog?  You name it, only then can you train it to come."

If we knew that UNICEF calls CDV one of the most pervasive human rights violations in the world today, perhaps everyone who experienced CDV, wouldn’t have felt so alone.  Perhaps it would have been easier to talk about.

If we knew what to call it back then, I bet my mom would have known the truth: that she was worthy of the love she craved.  And I would have known that it wasn’t my job to try and stop it. Because it’s never the job of a person in childhood to control the actions of a person in adulthood. 

Blake Lively poses with Jenny Slate and Isabela Ferrer during "It Ends With Us" premiere activities. (Getty Images)

Currently, there are 275 million human beings in childhood who need to know that truth.  They need to know what to call the violence they witness.  There are even more adults in adulthood who need to learn the same truth. That truth that act provides validation and makes it easier to talk about CDV. It is the first step towards full resiliency. Why? I think Dr. George Everly the founding father of modern resiliency theory, said it best, ‘the codification is intrinsically healing." He also said the same about PTSD.

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For those who have not read "It Ends With Us" or seen the movie, there will be no spoilers here. However, it is important to pay attention to what one of the world’s leading researchers says about CDV. Dr. Renee McDonald writes, "while most who grow up witnessing domestic violence are able to get away from the violence, they still may be unable to live the life they hope to lead because their perceptions of themselves and the ways they relate to others are not as they would wish them to be, and they are unaware of that fact."

The first step towards resiliency is awareness. When you grow up witnessing domestic violence, you experience childhood domestic violence.  I want you to know you are not alone.  And to further quote Dr. McDonald, "Even a small change in perspective can transform a life."

For those who grew up witnessing childhood domestic violence and somehow were able to realize the truth without knowing what to call it, you are indeed a role model of what’s possible.  Now that you know what to call it, your growth will accelerate.  You know that there is no obstacle you will likely face today, that compares to the obstacles you’ve overcome in childhood. They were obstacles you overcame using only the brain, body, and resources you had as a child. Armed now with this knowledge and a fully-formed. Knowing that, now with your adult brain, body and resources, there's no end to the obstacles you can overcome today.

Understanding this truth leads to deeper knowledge and a logical conclusion. It’s available to anyone who faced adversity in their childhood home.  No matter where you are in life currently, you have not yet tapped into your full potential. You are more than you know.

You are a role model of what is possible.  Now you can be there to provide others with the awareness, validation and support you did not receive growing up with CDV. Your voice is needed.  

If this book-turned-film "It Ends With Us" can help us in our quest to achieve universal, global awareness of the least known adversity that one can face in your childhood home, that is indeed a work of art.

Brian F. Martin is the author of Invincible, the 10 Lies You Learn Growing Up Living with Domestic Violence and the Truths to Set You Free and founder of the Childhood Domestic Violence Association. Find out more at www.cdv.org.