Digital ID is the newest marvel of modern ingenuity, poised to revolutionise life in Australia. But fear not for digital ID is not mandatory—yet. It’s just like the vaccine that wasn’t mandatory, until it was, sort of.
Will this digital firebrand rest in the hands of businesses?
One can only speculate what delightful incentives they’ll be offered to ensure compliance.
Perhaps a shiny new tax break, or a pat on the back from the local MP?
A Free Sausage With Your ID?
Picture the future with digital ID kiosks popping up outside hardware shops, nestled between the sausage sizzle and the garden gnomes.
“Get your digital ID here!” the signs will scream.
And what’s that? A free large fries with every digital ID? How utterly irresistible!
One might even wonder if this newfound digital identity could be the key to saving your dear old grandmother.
The bureaucrats will be rubbing their hands with glee at the thought of a new, streamlined system to manage.
No more messy paperwork or the need to remember pesky details like names and addresses. Everything will be neatly stored in a digital vault, accessible at the click of a button.
And just imagine the possibilities for surveillance! Why, they’ll be able to track your every move with the precision of a bloodhound on a scent trail.
And then there’s the ordinary citizen, who will no doubt revel in the convenience of it all.
No more fumbling for a driver’s license or digging through wallets for a Medicare card. Just a single, magical digital ID, capable of unlocking the doors to the kingdom.
Of course, one might worry about what happens when that digital ID fails to work but let’s not dwell on the negatives, shall we?
Top Five reasons
There are a number of reasons to support digital ID but here are our top five.
1. Imagine how many bank accounts you can open
You can open as many bank accounts as your heart desires with your shiny new digital ID. Of course, you’ll still be skint, but think of the sheer volume of accounts you can amass!
Imagine the joy of the bank fees and having them all taxed and potentially shut down should you dare to share a cheeky meme about our fearless leader.
2. Help out the hackers
Let’s help the government send all our industries off shore—not just cars, toothbrushes and chocolates, it’s time to help the hackers in China.
Hacking is a difficult job so the government has decided to help them out by keeping all our information in one place.
One Russian hacker described Australians as “the most stupidest humans alive” who have a lot of money for no reason (well not for long) and no sense at all. And no doubt he too may benefit from the new digital ID bill.
3. Sow division
Digital IDs will pick up right where The Voice left off, sowing division in their own special way.
The tech-savvy urbanites might breeze through, while the marginalised groups—the elderly, the poor, and rural residents—struggle.
What a perfect recipe for exacerbating inequalities! And, cynics might whisper, isn’t that just the sort of thing that gets the government’s gears turning?
4. We’re really after a vaccine passport
Let’s be honest, it’s not a digital identity we’re really after but a vaccine passport.
We’ve all delighted in flaunting our jab counts on social media.
Now, imagine the joy of collecting a rainbow of emojis alongside each vaccine in your digital wallet.
5. Let’s extend this digital revolution to animals and food
Why stop at humans? Why be speciest? Let’s extend this digital ID revolution to animals and even our food.
The chatter about vaccinating everything from fish to lettuce is gaining ground. So, why not microchip the lot?
Picture a wonderfully equal world where everything, down to your salad, is tracked and tagged. Did someone say social credits?
In the end, digital ID is the latest panacea for our modern woes, a silver bullet wrapped in a digital bow. And as we all march towards this brave new world, one can only hope it comes with a complimentary donut.
After all, a little sugar helps the medicine go down, doesn’t it?
