Dear Democrats,
I hope you’ve got your organic, ethically-sourced stress balls and fair trade lavender calming spray handy, because I think you’re going to need them. The anti-vax black sheep of Camelot has thrown his support behind the felonious, mean-tweeting Cheeto, and despite laughable heroic MSM attempts to convince the masses otherwise, the unlikely duo appears to be unbeatable. Even if you cheat harder than you did in the last election—and let’s be real, you set the bar pretty high for yourselves there—it’s looking like you might have to make good on that threat to move to Canada come November.
I can only imagine how that makes you feel. Probably like someone decided to mix peanut butter and ketchup and everyone else is like holy crap you have to try this it’s actually delicious but you’re allergic to peanut butter and ketchup and now you’re about to throw up.
I know you’re clinging to your MOMALA yard sign like Rose on that wooden door after the Titanic went down, and frankly, I don’t blame you. We both know the list of things you cherish *that’s about to vanish like socks in the dryer* is longer than a CVS receipt.
DEI? Yeah—Discriminate, Exclude, and Ignore
In an RFTrump administration, you can expect your beloved Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion to disappear faster than the free Italian meatball samples at Costco. How much do you want to bet that despotic duo will try to install some sort of transphobic meritocracy where pronouns, chromosomes, and sexual preferences don’t even matter, and hard work and talent will determine how successful you’ll be? I know! Imagine this dystopian future world where job promotions are handed out based on skills and accomplishments rather than skin color or relative neurodivergence or how well your beard compliments your breasts. Go get yourself a paper bag and breathe into it. I’ll wait.
Not anymore, I’m afraid.
KKKritical Race Theory? RIP.
I hope you’ve gotten your fill of those engaging CRT discussions, because I've a hunch they’re about to go the way of the flip phone. Bobby-loves-Donny will surely put their privileged, white-cloaked heads together (God help us all!) and declare CRT a national threat—right up there with climate change which, by the way, they’ll likely rename something like “ weather”. (I know, for a minute there you thought that Bobby, a lifelong tree hugger, was going to immediately ban gas-powered cars or at least start taxing cow farts or something, but sadly the guy has repeatedly disappointed and angered environmentalists, so I wouldn’t hold your breath.) All that progress you made trying to shame white people for being born melanin deficient and encouraging minorities to feel ever more oppressed, bitter, and victimized? Poof! Gone. (Maybe tissues will become affordable again.)
Open Borders? More Like a Swiss Bank Vault Inside Fort Knox.
Remember when the United States was all about welcoming and helping the huddled masses yearning to breathe free? Yeah, you can tuck that away on a shelf with your model pyramid and replica Rosetta Stone. Get ready for a giant, impenetrable wall complete with laser beams and possibly a moat filled with piranhas. Instead of the government spending our collective money to import, welcome, house, feed, clothe, educate, connect, and otherwise support strangers who pay no taxes and may or may not have come here to kill us, now those funds are probably going to be used to [gasp!] benefit American citizens. It’s so narcissistic and xenophobic, I don’t even know where to start. The good news is once they eliminate that censorship that kept you so safe during Covid, at least you’ll be able to virtue signal express your displeasure online by using a variety of hashtags like #ImmigrationIsBeautiful and #NoHumanIsIllegal and #I’mStuckInACountryBeingLedByAPairOfRacistWhiteDudesSendHelp.
Fear not, snowflakes. This is not an actual thing.
Just Make Rich People Pay for Everything? I Don’t Think So.
With two famously flush white guys running the show, you just know that hyper-taxing the affluent (like AOC’s brilliant and clearly fair and not in any way punitive proposed 70% income tax on the country’s highest earners) is not going to happen. Obviously it’s way better to force those snooty, fat-cat uppercrusters to fork over exponentially more of their hard-earned money to support social programs and reduce income inequality and put gay pride flags in all our classrooms. Now you’re going to have to contribute to all of that, too! It’s so not fair, I honestly can’t even.
Second Amendment Rights? Don’t Tread on THOSE.
“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” Seriously? But… but… that means people will continue to be able to defend themselves against criminals and tyrants! If they would just ban guns completely, everyone knows all the murderous thugs would turn in their weapons and violent crime would cease to exist. Thanks to this nauseating turn of events, the next thing you know, everybody and their granny will be packing heat and folks will be shooting each other over parking spaces instead of just stabbing each other, which is obviously far more civil and less scary. The only safe solution is to lock yourself in your home and never leave again (except for during elections, because they’ll definitely be banning mail-in ballots, those bigoted trolls). Or move to Canada.
You can bring this one up in therapy.
Foreign Policy? You Mean Nasty Nationalism [shudders].
I know. We were (still are!) thisclose to going to war with China Russia Iran Syria … somebody. They were about to start drafting our daughters! What an exciting and patriotic time to be alive and to be given the opportunity to fight for… something surely extremely important! I know, America’s meddling nose doesn’t really belong in every other country’s politics; in fact, Ayatollah Khamenei and Kim Jong Un have been begging the US to MIOB for basically ever. Now, not only won’t you have any fun, colorful flags to superimpose over your Facebook profile picture; you just know Trumpedy is going to insist on selfishly putting America First (so anti-Semitic!) and withdrawing from the Paris Agreement (so rude!) and the WHO (again). Oh, and they’ll tax the hell out of Chinese imports, so you can say a sad so long to all those sweet Shein and Temu deals. Sorry, boo. It was fun while it lasted.
Free Speech? You Mean, Mean Tweets Are Coming Back.
It’s a frightening thought but one we must all come to terms with: The leader of the free world will be able to communicate with people—openly and without censorship—on the largest and most influential free speech platform in the digital universe. Not only that, but you can bet the channel’s formerly progressive founder isn’t merely going to allow this; that suddenly right-wing sycophant will amplify it. (Although surely there’s lots of overlap, Trump, Musk, and Kennedy Jr. have a combined 288 million followers on X. Timala, in comparison, have a sort of embarrassing 16M collective fans. Go ahead and fact-check that while you still can, because I’m pretty sure fact-checking will soon be a thing of the past.)
McSeriously? You Can Kiss Your Fast Food Addiction Goodbye
I know, your kids live for Chick-fil-A Fridays at school. It’s the highlight of the whole week, practically the only way you can get those little rugrats to the bus stop on time—with tantalizing promises of soggy waffle fries and greasy poultry nuggets awaiting during the midday break. Well, just listen to what that Fauci-bashing anti-vaxxer had to say:
“Two-thirds of American adults and children suffer from chronic health issues. Fifty years ago that number was less than 1%. In America, 74% of Americans are now overweight or obese, including 50% of our children. One-hundred and twenty years ago, when somebody was obese, they were sent to the circus. When my uncle was president, our country spent $0 on chronic disease. Today, government healthcare spending is almost all for chronic disease, and it’s double the military budget, and it is the fastest growing budget item in the federal budget. Chronic disease costs more to the economy as a whole, at least 4 trillion dollars, five times our military budget. We’re going to bring healthy food back to school lunches. We’re going to stop subsidizing the worst foods with our agricultural subsidies. We’re going to get toxic chemicals out of our food. We’re going to reform the entire food system.”
There’s no getting around it: Friday mornings are going to suck.
Spoiler: There’s a NEW New World Order Coming to Town.
I know the dramatic and shocking Kennedonald combo is going to take some getting used to. I mean, we were about to have our country’s first Black Indian, female assigned-female-at-birth cackler commander-in-chief. It was going to be historic; unprecedented! I’ll bet Kamalamadingdong was packing her visit-the-border bag when this bombshell dropped—now she’ll never get to go! (Maybe Doug can take her to Europe instead?)
That woman had plans, dammit. She was somehow going to lower the cost of living that skyrocketed under her veepdom and fix inflation (apparently, by defining it—simplistically and repetitively) but now she won’t get the chance to do that, either! She was going to completely reform our healthcare and criminal justice systems while also ensuring socialism economic equality for all (but not, you know, at her luxurious level or anything, don’t be ridiculous). She promised to expand Medicaid which would guarantee that more people—especially kids and lower income families—would have access to wonderful pharmaceuticals like Ozempic and vaccines! For free!
With RFK Jr. in or around the White House, now everyone’s going to have to learn about (ugh) healthy eating and (yuck) preventative health, which is so much harder and more annoying than jabbing yourself with skinny serum. Alas, the curtain is about to fall on that glorious and golden age. If vaccines even survive at all (which they probably won’t because Kennedy likes to claim—based on nothing but peer reviewed literature the CDC refuses to look at which he actually compiled into a bestselling book you’ve never heard of—that unvaccinated kids are healthier across the board in nearly every metric you can think of), you definitely won’t be getting a donut with your next series, I’m afraid.
You Can Retire Your MAKE AMERICA OBAMA AGAIN hat.
I wish I had some soothing words of comfort for you, but there’s no getting around it; this is a terrifying time to be alive. Even though Trump was already president and didn’t do any of these things, he could literally declare martial law the day he takes office. He could imprison his political opponents and critics, refuse to leave the White House ever again, and basically destroy democracy by continuing to point out that our beloved news media is fake and corrupt. And Kennedy? That psychopath actually muttered the following words in his (definitely don’t watch it) campaign suspension speech: “Ultimately, the only thing that will save our country and our children is if we choose to love our kids more than we hate each other.”
(Can you imagine that level of rhetoric spewing from the Oval Office on a routine basis? I mean, sure your side is filled with hatred, but it’s toward specific, hate-worthy things like white privilege, toxic masculinity, police officers, Christians, and Trump!)
Sadly, it’s looking like this is our future. I guess the good news is, it’s only four years.
