Professional golf is still being played even though the last important tournament ended in July. It seems like a strange way to run a sport: four months on, eight months off.
Well, it’s finally Masters week and like those college protesters used to say, “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!” The protestors today are very different from the ones I remember. They have professionally made signs and get paid money to protest. Somebody should protest that! Who will police the police? How about who will protest the protestors? Not me. I have golf to watch.
I have compiled some rarely asked questions (RAQ) about The Masters that will help you enjoy the tournament a little more these next 4 days.
What’s defending champion Scottie Scheffler like?
Scottie is a cool guy, but he’s definitely a sociopath and possibly even a psychopath. Everyone felt bad when he was arrested before the PGA Championship last year, but he did drive around a cop after a fatal accident. Who does that? Entitled psychos, that’s who. He’s not all sunshine and roses. Great golfers are cut-throat competitors. Devout Christian my ass- where in the bible does it say drive over cops if you’re late for a tee time? Find me that passage!! What psalm? What letter to the Corinthians??? His friends talk about how if he’s getting beaten at cards, he won’t let them go to bed until he wins. That’s DSM-5 behavior. Scottie Straightjacket is more like it. He does seem like a good husband and father, though. But what goes on behind closed doors? Ya just never know. I seem like a good husband and father as well.
Can Rory McIlroy get over 11 years of major championship torture and win not only another major but the one needed to complete the career grand slam?
It would seem unlikely. The pressure would be too much for any golfer, especially for Rory, who hasn’t handled pressure well throughout his career. You have to hand it to him, though, as he keeps putting himself out there. Just heartbreak after heartbreak and choke job after choke job, but here he is again. This is a man who, during the week of a major championship, announced that he and his wife were getting divorced, and then, the week of the next major championship, announced they were back together. Stop being an open book, Rory. We needn’t know everything. As Shakespeare wrote, if cut, do I not bleed? Right now, Rory is bleeding all over the carpet. A merciful God will let him win the Masters.
What have those LIV Golf traitors Brooks Koepka, Bryson DeChambeau, and Jon Rahm been doing lately?
Who knows, as nobody watches LIV golf? It’s a league filled with greedy weirdos. They have an unlimited supply of funds, so it should keep them around long enough to possibly merge with the PGA Tour. If they return to the PGA, the players who left should be punished.
How would you punish them?
That’s a really good question, thanks. You could make them wear Tiger’s new clothing line, Sun Day Red. Nobody else besides Tiger is wearing it. I think they have zero sales. It’s a bigger flop than Snow White. Tiger’s Sun Day Red clothing line is so exclusive that nobody wears it.
There is no need to punish Brooks and Rahm because they are absolutely miserable at LIV. Bryson is creating a lot of content on YouTube, so I would remove his internet privileges. I’ve noticed that to be successful in online media, you just have to be excited about things. You don’t need to be funny or interesting; you just need to jump around and be hyped. Bryson excels at this so that we will change his password. If all else fails, then tariffs.
What is Trump’s relationship with Augusta?
He’s not a member, and it’s unlikely he’ll ever be asked.
It’s hard to believe, but less than a year ago, they tried to assassinate Trump at his rally, and he made his tee time the next day! Trump was born under a lucky star. He is inches away from death, but turns his head at the last instant, and it grazes his ear. It doesn’t completely miss him, though. He actually does get shot. But it doesn’t really hurt or cause much damage, but it does splatter blood on his face in the coolest looking way. When the Secret Service pulled him up, he probably realized all of this, so you can imagine the jolt of adrenaline. Then he gets the most heroic and iconic picture of any president ever. Fight, fight, fight! This Presidency is the mandate of Heaven, as the Chinese say. He now has the supreme authority to rule over our country for the good of the people.
Should I be rooting against any golfers?
Absolutely.
Ludvig Aberg- name too hard to pronounce
Akshay Batia- too skinny
Laurie Canter- a girl’s name
Wyndham Cark- named after the hotel.
Nicolas Echavarria- spells his name wrong.
Max Greyserman- confusing last name.
Thriston Lawrence- confusing first name.
Tom Hoge- spelled Hoagie wrong.
Tom Kim- boy name/ girl name
Robert MacIntyre- annoying name where you have to capitalize the letter in the middle.
Maverick McNealy- named after a movie
Full disclosure, I ran this article through ChatGPT and asked if it could make it any funnier. It simply replied….” No”
Dan Redmond can be found on Twitter @danfromdc
