The slow-rolling train wreck that is the Disney Grooming Syndicate’s live-action remake of Snow White continues to roll along with a disastrous 47 percent “rotten” score at Rotten Tomatoes.
What makes this especially gratifying is understanding how the rigged review system works, which is like this…
A total of 98 reviews are in, meaning every reviewer received exclusive access from Disney’s public relations department to an early screening for critics. The earliest Normal people can see it is this afternoon.
rottentomatoes.com
This means that all of those 98 are “on Disney’s approved reviewer list,” and you know most of them wanted to love Snow White, wanted to redeem the movie just to stick a finger in the eye of MAGA, and kiss Disney’s sweet ass.
But.
The movie sucks so hard, they couldn’t even do that.
What should be interesting is what the later reviews tell us from those who are not “on the list” and therefore have less incentive to kiss Disney’s sweet ass.
Here’s a sample from my five favorite reviews:
One: “Near the beginning of Snow White the forest near the castle is described as ‘a place where magic still abides.’ It’s too bad the same can’t be said about the movie.”
Two: “After so much pre-hate, Snow White is decidedly… okay. Rachel Zegler is the best thing about it, thanks to her singing talent, charm and natural Disney Princess energy. Gal Gadot is miscast and those Dwarfs really look off.”
Three: “Is Walt Disney’s newest live-action remake of the 1937 classic, Snow White the fairest of them all? Not quite, but it is certainly not the worst remake.”
Four: “Despite all its affectionate nods in the direction of the original, this incarnation of Snow White doesn’t live up to it but, compared to the likes of Peter Pan And Wendy (2023) and Pinocchio (2022), it’s something of an improvement.”
Five: “The result is, despite the mercenary motivations, affably watchable. It’s hollow, but unlike some more recent remakes, it seems to have thoughts in its head.”
Do you want to know why those are my five favorite Snow White reviews? Because all five are listed as positive (or “fresh”) reviews at Rotten Tomatoes.
How bad is a movie when those count as good reviews?
This review from the far-left Daily Beast is a thing of beauty…
Snow White “marries its clunky contemporary feminism to formulaic 21st-century musical numbers and garish CGI-ified visuals, creating a fiasco in which beauty is oft-discussed but unsightliness is the order of the day,” reads the review.
“Fleshing out Snow White’s backstory is unsatisfying if predictable, as is the film’s reconfiguration of the princess from a merrily one-note maiden to a brave, tough altruist concerned with issues of fairness and equity.”
Disney’s groomers even woked-up Dopey…
Worst of all, though, is Dopey’s climactic first words and the ultimate revelation that he’s the proceedings’ narrator. By giving Dopey the power of speech, Webb and screenwriter Erin Cressida Wilson underscore their film’s interest in giving voice to the voiceless, but like a raft of similar gestures, it comes across as a groan-worthy revision.
The Daily Beast reviewer is no fan of the “original’s unpleasantries” (i.e. too girly-girl) and does credit this remake for offering a “more enlightened portrait of female independence,” but admits this approach is “inherently incompatible with its source material, and the resultant awkwardness defines this misfire[.]” He adds that “every duplication is underwhelming [and] every alteration is less a move in the right direction than a step on a face-smacking rake.”
Disney’s original Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937) has endured for nearly a hundred years. Why? Because it’s themes about humility, true love, self-sacrifice, and wanting to be rescued by a prince to live happily ever after are timeless. Instead of aiming for timeless, the idiots at Disney spent $270 million on a remake that was supposed to be timely, and from the looks of the lousy box office projections, they are a few months too late.
America sent Woke to the gallows on November the 5th, 2024.
John Nolte’s first and last novel, Borrowed Time, is winning five-star raves from everyday readers. You can read an excerpt here and an in-depth review here. Also available in hardcover and on Kindle and Audiobook.
